[waiter emerges from kitchen amid a cloud of smoke, flames licking his heels, tips of his waxed moustache on fire]
“Your dessert, sir.”
Pic: @ThomasI82
Smoking!
Desserts
“Bring out the gimp”
“Our kitchen gimp made the truffles. He likes to serve them himself.”
“Oh! Have you worked here long?”
“MMFF MMMMMFF MMFF.”
Pic: @ailsajwilliams
‘Smashed Martini’ nonsense
CHEFS! Turn brownies into expensive brownies by simply serving them on a plank with a broken glass.
(Legal note: it’s actually plastic. SO THAT’S ALRIGHT…)
Pic: @pollianicus
If only someone would invent a thing…
If only someone would invent a round, ceramic vessel with a lip to prevent custard spillage.
Pic: @stakgeorge
Newton’s cradle dessert
Marshmallow: 12p. Fruit: 15p. Newton’s cradle with weird kebab things: 90p.
MENU PRICE: EIGHT POUNDS.
Pic: @john_shepherd
Salvaged skirting board
“Is the ice cream locally produced?”
“No, but the jam jar and bit of skirting board are from a skip down the road.”
Pic: @joannabeaufoy
Dog-bowl dessert
A ‘sharing ice cream sundae’ at @Auntbibbyshull. Presumably shared by a pug, poodle, Chihuahua and West Highland Terrier.
Pic: Kate Slone
Dessert in an ashtray
“Chef! We’ve run out of dessert bowls!”
“Don’t panic, I kept a load of ashtrays after the smoking ban.”
Pic: Jess English
Dessert on a sanitary towel
Cheesecake, apparently
Pic: @Sharpo001
Ice cream breaks for the border
When your dessert arrives on a plank while you’ve gone to the toilet and the ice cream makes a break for freedom.
Pic: @joe_petch
When fruit in a bowl just won’t do
“Chef, we can’t keep charging people so much for some bits of fruit in a bowl.”
“FETCH THE MUG TREE AND A DRILL.”
Pic: Aunty Marianne
Duvet think we’re idiots?
“…and for dessert we have apple pie, cheesecake or the chef’s ‘Shit The Bed’ special.”
Pic: @BlueHeronFarmTX
Perspex paddles and slate
“I’m jazzing up the waffles.”
“How chef?”
“Perspex paddles.”
“Nice!”
“Slates.”
“Great!”
*unzips fly*
Pic: Marie L
Nonsense on a box of grass
Large slice of tree 
Butcher’s-window grass
Upside-down drawer tidy
Pic: Dawn Staples
Dessert in a little bath
A valiant yet fruitless attempt to disguise the embarrassment of eating dessert from a tiny bath.
Pic: @MsDarlizzle
Candyfloss on a horse’s head
That moment when everyone else gets plates and your dessert arrives on a porcelain horse head.
Pic: elder3817
More cream-on-slate madness
DISCLAIMER: @WeWantPlates does not endorse heavy-handed, point-proving cream-pouring on slates.
(Though we do endorse chefs who think serving cream on slate is a good idea having to clean the tables themselves).
Pics: @__akarach
Wasabi spongecake on a tree
Wasabi spongecake with a ‘wow’ factor. As in: “Wow, some tool has served my dessert on a tree.”
Pic: @MirjamvD
More deconstructed guff on a slate
Serving lemon meringue on a roof slate wasn’t annoying enough so they deconstructed it.
Pic: @110ElmfieldRoad
A table for tree
“Hi. We’ve booked a table for three.”
“Tree?”
“No, three.”
“Would a table for tree be a problem?”
Pic: @Wkhanye_
Please stop piping messages on boards
Putting tiny desserts on large boards and piping messages in the vast empty spaces is still a thing?
The real reason dessert is in a boot
“Dessert in a glass boot, chef?”
“It looks great!”
“Really?”
“And it tastes better.”
“Err… are you sure about that?
“OK, we can charge more.”
That’s not a pie, Harvey Nichols
Leftovers assembled on a bit of roof slate. Or as @HarveyNichols call it, lemon meringue pie.
Pic: @TeenageDream
Nosebleed on a plank
Trifle or crime scene, you decide.
Pic: @coffeenone
Greg Wallace’s garden trowel
Dessert at Greg Wallace’s restaurant at the Ideal Home Exhibition.
That’s not a buttery biscuit base. IT’S A BLOODY TROWEL.
Pic: @elliepitkin
The cheese cupboard
“Can we have the cheeseboard for dessert, please?”
“Ah. You mean the cheese cupboard.”
“No, the cheeseboard.”
“CHEESE CUPBOARD.”
Pic: Laura Geary
Picnic table pandemic
So, a mini picnic table has made an appearance on the Great British Menu. Another one to throw on the fire with this lot.
National Ice Cream Day
On National Ice Cream Day, remember:
– Eat fast, eat smart.
– Use napkins to build a dam.
– Angle spoon to minimise scraping.
– Or just SEND IT BACK.
Pic: @dicko09
Call a proctologist!
Cake in a frying pan
Crumble in cup = custard woe
“Hi, can I order the apple crumble, please? Oh, and can you serve it in a vessel so small that it necessitates adding the custard in instalments? Thanks ever so much.”
Pic: @MarkL1nc5
Cheesecake vs raspberries
Either the cheesecake has had an argument with the raspberries, or this is the worst episode of Robot Wars ever.
Pic: @wozziel
Skateboard cheeseboard
“New pub near me does a cheese board on a skateboard. And not a very impressive cheese board either!”
Pic: @Tannerlogue
Cake drawer buffoonery
Pudding in a pan irritation
Sticky toffee pudding woe
“Go home Chef, you’re drunk.”
Pic: @simonr916
A mug of doughnuts
Custard bottle conundrum
How are you supposed to pour your bloody custard into this? Or do you take a swig with each mouthful of crumble?
Pic: @bowdren1
Crimes against cheesecake
Is that a cat activity centre?
Pink sperm on a slate
Half a pint of trifle
Ice cream in a syrup tin
We’re reliably informed that the waiter delivered this to the table with a straight face.
Pic: @Danuk9
Pud on a shovel – dig in!
Malva pudding, ice cream and custard. Lovingly served on a stainless steel shovel.
Pic: @tintinomalley
Pudding in a half-pint glass
Dessert thrown on the table
TOP TIP: Avoid washing up by simply covering the table with plastic and throwing dessert on it.
Pic: @figsteruk1
Pop art dessert horror
Dessert served in an old soup tin on a picture frame.
Andy Warhol said: “Art is what you can get away with”. Same applies for cooking, it seems.
Pic: @lamaison87
Creme brûlée crime scene
