Wooden boards

Oh how very generous

Burgers on boards

“All burgers are served on wooden boards so please request a plate if you would prefer one.”

If all burgers were served on plates, how many people would request a wooden board?

WE’LL GIVE YOU A CLUE: NONE.

Pic: @JerryDLeigh

Beep Beep Beep Beep

Mini shopping trolley

“I’ll have the asparagus tempura, please.”

*BEEP*

*BEEP*

*BEEP*

*BEEP*

“What’s that noise?”

*BEEP*

*BEEP*

*BEEP*

*BEEP*

“Oh, that’s the mini forklift truck preparing your mini pallet and mini shopping trolley.”

*BEEP*

*BEEP*

*BEEP*

*BEEP*

*BEEP*

*BEEP*

Pic: @ClemMurphy

Hipster Vegemite on toast

Vegemite on toast

What you order: gourmet Vegemite on toast.

What you get: a chopping board, cold toast, a leaf stuck on some butter and a reminder to take your dog to the vet.

Pic: Huon Oliver

‘Smashed Martini’ nonsense

broken glass dessert

CHEFS! Turn brownies into expensive brownies by simply serving them on a plank with a broken glass.

(Legal note: it’s actually plastic. SO THAT’S ALRIGHT…)

Pic: @pollianicus

Beer-can gravy Hipstergeddon

gravy in a beer can

“Excuse me waiter, I didn’t order a beer.”

“That’s gravy, sir.”

“It’s what?”

“Gravy.”

“In a can?”

“Yes.”

[looks round]

“Gravy?”

Pic: @Eamonn_Forde

“Any old iron? Any old iron?”

Iron

IRONING INSTRUCTIONS

Cotton: iron on high heat

Silk: iron on medium heat

Nylon: iron on low heat

Prawns: iron on manky board

Pic:

Would someone think of the trees?

tree sausages

“Waiter, I’m sure the menu said three sausages.”

“No, sir. It says tree sausages.”

Pic: HT

TGI Fridays don’t know what plates are

TGI Fridays

Dear ,

This is not “Heaven on a plate.” It’s average fast-food on a slate and board with a fake fryer.

Yours,

Everyone.

Health and safety nightmare

chicken sword

The chicken lacks something, chef.”

“Seasoning?”

“No.”

“Jus?”

“No.”

“Reproduction medieval sword?”

 

Pic: M Graham

Chicken fingers in a skull

chicken skull

Chicken fingers in a skull.

A seashell of beans.

Fittingly, it’s all literally scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Pic:

Yes, that is an actual desk organiser

drawer

A well-organised kitchen is one thing, but this is ridiculous.

Taken at Stoke Mill, Norwich.

Pic:

Soup in a pan saves on washing up

pan

Chefs: in future just bring us camping stoves, knock a few quid off and we’ll heat it up ourselves. Deal?

Pic:

A plank of Bloody Mary meatballs

bloody mary meatballs

Do you like meatballs? Do you like Bloody Marys? The Old George in Bethnal Green serves both. At the same time. On a plank.

Pic: @butters_one

Sausages in a skull

Chefs: transform a plank of sausages into a more expensive plank of sausages by simply putting them in a goth’s ashtray.

Pic: @brightsparklej

Beans ‘on’ toast

This, according to No.1 Lounge at Garwick Airport, is beans on toast.

A difficult concept to grasp, despite the clue being in the name.
Pic: @HeatherP42

DIY burger

“I’m sorry our chef hasn’t assembled your pulled pork burger, he’s very busy buying little metal buckets, roof slates and weird-shaped boards online.”
Pic: @Cuff76

Five for the price of one

My Meat Wagon in Dublin have really pushed the boat named Idiocy out here.

– Chopping boards ✅

– Mini shopping trolleys ✅

– Mess tins ✅

– Inexplicable wooden spoons ✅

– Mash in a ramekin ✅

Pic: @annemarieregan1

Mushy peas in a latte glass

mushy peas in a latte glass

Fish does not belong on a board.
Chips do not belong in a bucket.
Mushy peas certainly do not belong in a bloody latte glass.

Pic: @lenmce08

You call this dignity in death?

crab samphire

Plonked on a wooden board which is sat in a metal tray, wearing a samphire wig, with a lemony smile and a bucket of chips for company.

Pic: @Clifflirt

Salsa donkey and nachos cart

When we posted this on Twitter last night, we completely misjudged the nation’s love for a plastic donkey with salsa caddies.

You can buy them online, but only for ironic purposes, obviously…

Pic: @NuniNunicorn

Weird sausage hanger

weird sausage hanger

Scratched chopping board ✅

Inexplicable Mess Tin ✅

Manky enamel mug ✅

Weird sausage hanger ✅

I repeat: WEIRD SAUSAGE HANGER.

Pic: @SixFeetTen

Apple sauce in a wheelbarrow

apple sauce in a wheelbarrow

The perfect snack for when you fancy pork scratchings covered in chilli, on a plank, with a mini wheelbarrow of apple sauce.

WHICH IS NEVER.

Pic: @FreakyZoid

Wheelbarrow of ketchup

wheelbarrow of ketchup

Huge wooden board that’s never been in a dishwasher, mini wheelbarrow of ketchup and lettuce in a watering can.

LETTUCE ISN’T EVEN A LIQUID, FFS.

Pic: @ClairChapman

Wheelie bin sauce

wheelie bin sauce

Chips in a shopping trolley and a mini wheelie bin for sauce. Mop and Shawshank Redemption tin bowl just out of shot.

Pic: