“Your amuse-bouche. Sign here.”
“Is that a real cactus that’s it’s served on?”
“It is a real cactus. Sign here.”
“On a real cactus.”
“Sign the disclaimer form, sir.”
Pic: Tom Staroscinski
Amuse-bouche on a cactus
Starters
Woodcock brain on a rock
If they removed the lump of stone, that brain would be PERFECT.
Pic: Paul Beale
It’s a pandemic!
They’re even at it on MasterChef in Chile.
Beep Beep Beep Beep
“I’ll have the asparagus tempura, please.”
*BEEP*
*BEEP*
*BEEP*
*BEEP*
“What’s that noise?”
*BEEP*
*BEEP*
*BEEP*
*BEEP*
“Oh, that’s the mini forklift truck preparing your mini pallet and mini shopping trolley.”
*BEEP*
*BEEP*
*BEEP*
*BEEP*
*BEEP*
*BEEP*
Pic: @ClemMurphy
Barbie Meat Dress
“Your beef, Sir.”
“Erm… is this a traditional serving method particular to the region?”
“No. Our chef just really likes Lady Gaga.”
Pic: Ged Richter
Hipster Vegemite on toast
What you order: gourmet Vegemite on toast.
What you get: a chopping board, cold toast, a leaf stuck on some butter and a reminder to take your dog to the vet.
Pic: Huon Oliver
‘TWANG!’
“Your tuna starter, sir.”
[lunges at cube, catapults tuna into coat rack, impales eye on spike]
Pic: Miley Dahmer
Next stop, landfill
“Our environmentally-friendly tempura is made with sustainable seafood and vegetables, harvested in ways that consider the long-term well-being of our precious land and oceans.”
“Wonderful! How’s it served?”
“On a large polystyrene block.”
Pic: @HynesLin
So near, yet so far
Pic: @vinke_rob
All the waiters are off with bad backs
Soup served in a stiletto
“What’s the soup of the day?
“Cream of wild mushroom, with a hint of insole and corn plaster.”
Pic: @simonraess
Meat on a clipboard
RSI from an RSJ
VACANCY
Waiter required to carry burgers on Rolled Steel Joists.
£8 per hour.
No sick leave for back problems.
Pic: Jon Russell
Boiled egg plumbing new depths
“Would you like your egg boiled, poached or scrambled?”
“Boiled and balanced on a 15mm isolating ball valve, please.”
Pic: @lucyfishwife
“What can I get you, Mr Bond?”
“What can I get you, Mr Bond?”
“Martini. Shaken, not stirred. With loads of mash and spring onions.”
Pic: @nar_Nia
Goldfish in a liquidiser
“Here’s your prawn lollipop. Feel free to feed the fish but please don’t turn the liquidiser on.”
Pic: @johnnyhc
Lamb on a rock
The forces of evil are gathering
Pic: @big_dshogroast
Michelin-starred floor sweepings
CHEFS! Transform your floor sweepings into Michelin-starred floor sweepings by serving them on a rock for twenty quid.
Pic: @lesleyrdunlop
“Any old iron? Any old iron?”
IRONING INSTRUCTIONS
Cotton: iron on high heat
Silk: iron on medium heat
Nylon: iron on low heat
Prawns: iron on manky board
Pic: @Zahn0
Dog bowls are for dogs. Period.
A reminder on #NationalPetDay that dog bowls are for dog food.
Not waffles, beans or chilli.
Definitely not gin & tonic.
Sausage in a wine glass
“What wine do you recommend?”
“The 2004 Argentinian Chardonnay is bursting with flavour.”
“What flavour?”
“Sausages.”
Pic: @__FerSantos
The chutney cupboard
Chicken tikka staircase and chutney cupboard at the Tourist Janpath Hotel, New Delhi.
A CHUTNEY CUPBOARD.
Pic: @philipotts
The perils of chefs drinking on the job
Pic: Dan Jameson
Life Of Pi, of course
Pic: Jayne Brown
Leaving a bad taste in the mouth
This? Oh, it’s just an orthodontic mould of the restaurant-owner’s mouth from Barcelona.
Pic: @chris_mandle
Salad on a slab of marble
Oh Vienna! Soup in a tin can
If you ask really nicely at Das Loft in Vienna, they give you a can opener with your starter.
Pic: Alain Grandjean
Watery mozzarella woe at Zizzi
Give this Wellington the boot
CHEFS! Make miniature beef Wellingtons more expensive by serving them on a guillotine.
Pic: @followmartybear
Watership Down prawn nightmare
We call this ‘Lazy Bastard Sardines’
Vegetable tempura in a shoe
“Chef, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have arrived, they’ve ordered the tempura shoe to share.”
Pic: @eeketht
Fish on a stick in a rock on a mirror
“Today’s specials include fish on a stick in a rock on a mirror.”
“Literally?”
“Literally.”
Pic: @Sinead_aka_Nade
They must be yolking
Pic: @leannetritton
Unnecessary bird’s nest contraption
Somewhere, there’s a very pissed-off pigeon looking for its nest. Unless he’s in the starter.
Pic: @MJDoroszuk
Now they’re giving you weapons
Yes, that is an actual desk organiser
A well-organised kitchen is one thing, but this is ridiculous.
Taken at Stoke Mill, Norwich.
Pic: @MarieaHobbs83
Starter in half a tree
“The starter lacks something, chef.”
“Seasoning?”
“No.”
“Garnish?”
“No.”
“Huge log?”
“Bingo!”
Pic: @amontonacosas
Soup in a pan saves on washing up
Chefs: in future just bring us camping stoves, knock a few quid off and we’ll heat it up ourselves. Deal?
Pic: @seanddotmedotuk
Well-washed fish dish
Bathroom tile sausage rolls
“The Special Sausage Rolls sound great! Why are they special?”
“They’re on a bathroom tile.”
Pic: @CharlieVMartin
A plank of Bloody Mary meatballs
Do you like meatballs? Do you like Bloody Marys? The Old George in Bethnal Green serves both. At the same time. On a plank.
Pic: @butters_one
Dinner with The Flintstones
Pâté on a shoulder bone. Very, very wrong, unless you’re round at Flintstones’ gaff.
Pic: @TomAllen1000
Car boot sale soup contraption
Chefs: charge more for soup by bunging it through a coffee maker you got at a car boot sale.
Pic: @helend2811
Squid in a clog
Soup in a coffee percolator
Chefs: charge more for soup by bunging it through a coffee maker you got at a car boot sale.
Pic: @helend2811
Camembert catastrophe
Nuts were deployed as an emergency cheese dam during this slate-based baked Camembert catastrophe at 47 Mussel Row in Littlehampton.
Pic: @nick_thompson
Barking mad
“Remember the time we had dinner served on pieces of bark? Wasn’t it AMAZING?”
“No.”
Pic: @aboynamedgootoo
Fish on a tree stump
Upside-down umbrella
Pieces of hairy pig in a pan
Packet of pork scratchings: 86p
Salad: 5p
Sauce: 3p
Paper: 1p
Hipster Pan Tax: £5.24
Pic: @adwoolliscroft
A Greek tragedy
Fiddly starter on a lava rock in Santorini, should you want to go on holiday elsewhere.
Pic: @lesleyrdunlop
A load of pretentious scollops
Surf and, quite literally, turf
“What’s in your surf and turf, please?”
“Battered prawns, madam.”
“And the turf?”
“Some turf, madam.”
Pic: @SianLouiseT
Goldfish under a prawn cocktail
File under WTF.
We regularly get tweeted pics of prawn cocktails in glasses. Most people think this is fine. This one, however, is not…
Pic: @millyandpip
Starters on glass blocks
Builder: “We’ve finished refurbishing the restaurant’s toilets for you.”
Owner: “Marvellous. By the way, those glass blocks in the skip – can you take them out? I think we can use them…”
Pic: @deanmorriscards
Fiddly little starters on skulls
Fish hooks in your dinner
Soy sauce shopping trolley
Beef on barbed wire lunacy
This? Ohhh… just some miniature beef Wellingtons on a roll of barbed wire.
COMES WITH FREE TETANUS SHOT.
Pic: @AstridsTaste
Hors d’oeuvres on tin cans
Hot wings with a toe tag
Tin dish and tweezers
Salad, served in a tin dish which you have to open yourself, then eat with tweezers.
BON APPETIT.
Pic: @ReelQuinn
Fish on a huge rock
Lick it off your own hand
The Treby Arms’ cheese foam with truffle shavings, licked off the back of your hand.
You’re welcome.
Pic: @ILoveGrimsby
Apple sauce in a wheelbarrow
The perfect snack for when you fancy pork scratchings covered in chilli, on a plank, with a mini wheelbarrow of apple sauce.
WHICH IS NEVER.
Pic: @FreakyZoid
Starters on a table tennis bat
Starter on a brick
“Here’s your starter on a house brick, Sir.”
*scrapes starter off brick, launches brick into kitchen*
Pic: @matthewcorbett
Soup in a stiletto
Curly pork ice cream holder
Pulled pork and coleslaw. In an ice cream cone. In a curly cone holder. On a wooden board.
*loads revolver*
Pic: @jo_blogs
Meat on a washing line
Some goop on a tile
We don’t have a clue what this offering from Madrid is. Best of luck to the guy in trying to keep it all on there during the eating process, though.
Pic: @pascualdrake
Camembert in a mousetrap
Longest food smear… EVER!
“Fetch the longest plank of wood you can find, we’re taking arty food smears to a new level.”
“Yes chef!”
Pic: @MorganLeahy