Main courses

Oh how very generous

Burgers on boards

“All burgers are served on wooden boards so please request a plate if you would prefer one.”

If all burgers were served on plates, how many people would request a wooden board?

WE’LL GIVE YOU A CLUE: NONE.

Pic: @JerryDLeigh

Beer-can gravy Hipstergeddon

gravy in a beer can

“Excuse me waiter, I didn’t order a beer.”

“That’s gravy, sir.”

“It’s what?”

“Gravy.”

“In a can?”

“Yes.”

[looks round]

“Gravy?”

Pic: @Eamonn_Forde

Train driver’s breakfast on a shovel

“Ahhh, but this one is OK because steam train drivers used to eat their breakfast off a shovel, cooked in the firebox.”

“I’M NOT A STEAM TRAIN DRIVER, I’M IN A PUB IN THE ISLE OF MAN.”

Pic: @JayMeW

Would someone think of the trees?

tree sausages

“Waiter, I’m sure the menu said three sausages.”

“No, sir. It says tree sausages.”

Pic: HT

TGI Fridays don’t know what plates are

TGI Fridays

Dear ,

This is not “Heaven on a plate.” It’s average fast-food on a slate and board with a fake fryer.

Yours,

Everyone.

Ridiculous fish ‘n’ chips

fish and chips

Chips in a shopping basket – CHECK.

Fish on rocks – CHECK.

Plastic seaweed – CHECK.

Fake fish-market crate – CHECK.

Mini table – CHECK.

Pic: D Ryan

We need to elevate our food

griddle

“We need to elevate our food.”

“Do you mean raise our game, Chef?”

“No. Literally make it higher with wooden things.”

Pic:

Health and safety nightmare

chicken sword

The chicken lacks something, chef.”

“Seasoning?”

“No.”

“Jus?”

“No.”

“Reproduction medieval sword?”

 

Pic: M Graham

TGI Fridays, you lazy swines

[TGI Fridays board meeting]

“We need a new dish nobody’s done before. Something new. Something radical.

“Did you see the Pulled Pork Sundae on Twitter?”

“Yeah! Let’s do that. Right, off to the pub?”

Chicken fingers in a skull

chicken skull

Chicken fingers in a skull.

A seashell of beans.

Fittingly, it’s all literally scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Pic:

Shepherd’s Pie in a glass

shepherds pie in a glass

You can’t go wrong with a classic Shepherd’s Pie. Unless you’re the Old George Inn, South Cerney.

Pic:

Steak in a bird bath

steak in a birdbath

“I’ll have the steak, please.”

“And how would you like your steak?”

“On a concrete birdbath.”

SAID NO ONE. EVER.

Pic: @neilwillley

Peppercorn sauce catastrophe

sauce

Insubstantial slate guttering plus watery peppercorn sauce minus napkin dam equals catastrophe.

Pic: Chris Collins

Beans ‘on’ toast

This, according to No.1 Lounge at Garwick Airport, is beans on toast.

A difficult concept to grasp, despite the clue being in the name.
Pic: @HeatherP42

Artist’s palette wrap

“Chef, we’re struggling to find stuff to put in the holes in these art palettes.”
“Did table 12 leave any of their pasta?”
“YES CHEF!”
Pic: @nykkieb

DIY burger

“I’m sorry our chef hasn’t assembled your pulled pork burger, he’s very busy buying little metal buckets, roof slates and weird-shaped boards online.”
Pic: @Cuff76

Picnic table pandemic

So, a mini picnic table has made an appearance on the Great British Menu. Another one to throw on the fire with this lot.

Five for the price of one

My Meat Wagon in Dublin have really pushed the boat named Idiocy out here.

– Chopping boards ✅

– Mini shopping trolleys ✅

– Mess tins ✅

– Inexplicable wooden spoons ✅

– Mash in a ramekin ✅

Pic: @annemarieregan1

No idea what’s happening here

“Chef, I have to say that looks awful.”

“Hmm… how about we shove a sprig of rosemary in it?”

“YOU’RE A GENIUS!”

Pic: @marvelcharlotte

Double fault

It was only a matter of time before someone jumped on the Wimbledon bandwagon. In this case the Mercure Hotel in Bloomsbury.

Pic: @brokeinthesmoke

Spaghetti Bollocksnese

Spag bol in a glass at Folie Douce Valdi. Even mixing it prior to serving was just *too* much trouble.

Pic: @benhowell123

Mushy peas in a latte glass

mushy peas in a latte glass

Fish does not belong on a board.
Chips do not belong in a bucket.
Mushy peas certainly do not belong in a bloody latte glass.

Pic: @lenmce08

You call this dignity in death?

crab samphire

Plonked on a wooden board which is sat in a metal tray, wearing a samphire wig, with a lemony smile and a bucket of chips for company.

Pic: @Clifflirt

National Fish And Chip Day

National Fish And Chip Day

A plea to restaurants on National Fish And Chip Day. Newspaper is perfect for a takeaway, but not a £15 meal. Please can we enjoy them on a plate – not in mini fryers, pans, woks or manky wooden boxes.

AND DON’T PUT MUSHY PEAS IN A LATTE GLASS.

Tiny Tabasco bottle on a slate

tiny tabasco

They clearly don’t trust adults with normal-sized bottles of Tabasco sauce.

And we won’t even ask about the chilli bun.

Pic:

Picnic table idiocy

grey picnic table

Joyful gasps at its arrival turn to shifty embarrassment by the second sandwich as you quickly realise all the other diners think you’re a shower of idiots.

Pic: @jellywonderhors

Weird sausage hanger

weird sausage hanger

Scratched chopping board ✅

Inexplicable Mess Tin ✅

Manky enamel mug ✅

Weird sausage hanger ✅

I repeat: WEIRD SAUSAGE HANGER.

Pic: @SixFeetTen

Breakfast in a tin can

breakfast in a tin can

This miserable arrangement is what passes for a cooked breakfast nowadays: the sausage, mushrooms, beans and poached egg are just shoved in the tin can. A BARGAIN AT EIGHT QUID.

Pic: @paulhome_

Wheelbarrow of ketchup

wheelbarrow of ketchup

Huge wooden board that’s never been in a dishwasher, mini wheelbarrow of ketchup and lettuce in a watering can.

LETTUCE ISN’T EVEN A LIQUID, FFS.

Pic: @ClairChapman

Wheelie bin sauce

wheelie bin sauce

Chips in a shopping trolley and a mini wheelie bin for sauce. Mop and Shawshank Redemption tin bowl just out of shot.

Pic: