“All burgers are served on wooden boards so please request a plate if you would prefer one.”
If all burgers were served on plates, how many people would request a wooden board?
WE’LL GIVE YOU A CLUE: NONE.
Pic: @JerryDLeigh
Oh how very generous
Main courses
The Hipster Holy Trinity
You could eat your dinner off that floor
CHEFS! Stop food sliding onto tables by serving it on non-slip industrial flooring.
Or, y’know, plates.
Pic: Rob Wyborn
Obligatory mini desk lamp
Beer-can gravy Hipstergeddon
“Excuse me waiter, I didn’t order a beer.”
“That’s gravy, sir.”
“It’s what?”
“Gravy.”
“In a can?”
“Yes.”
[looks round]
“Gravy?”
Pic: @Eamonn_Forde
Train driver’s breakfast on a shovel
“Ahhh, but this one is OK because steam train drivers used to eat their breakfast off a shovel, cooked in the firebox.”
“I’M NOT A STEAM TRAIN DRIVER, I’M IN A PUB IN THE ISLE OF MAN.”
Pic: @JayMeW
“HA HA HA HA HA HA HA”
Would someone think of the trees?
“Waiter, I’m sure the menu said three sausages.”
“No, sir. It says tree sausages.”
Pic: @NeilShelley HT @roastbeef69
Small victories are better than none
Taken at a Flaming Grill, where they serve food on bin lids.
Pic: Dawn Butler
Macaroni cauldron, ketchup syringe
Macaroni Cauldron and Ketchup Syringe: two obscure indie bands for the price of one.
Pic: @GraysonThe
Chip-dam to the rescue
Excellent chip-dam work by @CrosbyTRobot to prevent a potential slate/sauce/trouser disaster.
Brexit has merits after all
The one-eyed taco Chihuahua
If ever a tweet was going to split the jury, it’s this.
Pic: Vicky Weddell
The bottom of the barrel
Food service can’t get any worse when you’re LITERALLY scraping the bottom of the barrel.
Pic: @ashley_lyons08
Fish and chips on a Ferris wheel
THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WE REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Pic: Gareth Nelson
When one tray just won’t do
CHEFS! Charge more for poor breakfast baps by serving them on two baking trays and a pallet.
Pic: @brendanjharkin
Things could get messy…
TGI Fridays don’t know what plates are
Dear @TGIFridaysUK,
This is not “Heaven on a plate.” It’s average fast-food on a slate and board with a fake fryer.
Yours,
Everyone.
Ridiculous fish ‘n’ chips
Chips in a shopping basket – CHECK.
Fish on rocks – CHECK.
Plastic seaweed – CHECK.
Fake fish-market crate – CHECK.
Mini table – CHECK.
Pic: D Ryan
We need to elevate our food
“We need to elevate our food.”
“Do you mean raise our game, Chef?”
“No. Literally make it higher with wooden things.”
Pic: @jamestaylor1
It wasn’t even cooked in that, you idiots
“Here’s your fish and chips. Enjoy.”
*cuts fish, pan rotates, handle knocks drink over*
Pic: @stevepullan
Breakfast in a surgical tray
Breakfast in a surgical tray.
Beans in a glass.
Bread on a bumpaddle.
Chef in a headlock.
Pic: @ThatDamnYank
Health and safety nightmare
The chicken lacks something, chef.”
“Seasoning?”
“No.”
“Jus?”
“No.”
“Reproduction medieval sword?”
Pic: M Graham
TGI Fridays, you lazy swines
[TGI Fridays board meeting]
“We need a new dish nobody’s done before. Something new. Something radical.
“Did you see the Pulled Pork Sundae on Twitter?”
“Yeah! Let’s do that. Right, off to the pub?”
Barcelona, you disappoint us
Barcelona: Catalonia’s capital of gastronomy, where they stick your brunch on a shovel.
Pic: @garethlangston
Chicken fingers in a skull
Chicken fingers in a skull.
A seashell of beans.
Fittingly, it’s all literally scraping the bottom of the barrel.
Pic: @jonnybadclobber
Shepherd’s Pie in a glass
You can’t go wrong with a classic Shepherd’s Pie. Unless you’re the Old George Inn, South Cerney.
Pic: @headcovers
Happy Thanksgiving, American types
Breakfast in a sink. With some flags. And a firework. Happy Thanksgiving!
Oliver Twist porridge debacle
[Oliver shuffles forward holding weird metal pot thing]
“Please Sir, I want some… crockery.”
Pic: @lizzyhitch1
When is a plate not a plate?
Tonka truck twattery
Beware: infantilisation of bar food carries a Hipster Tax of around 18%.
Pic: Patrice Callahan via @RBRosenberger
Heart-shaped bum-paddle
Sticky table inevitability
Chefs who serve pancakes and syrup on a board with no gutter have clearly never waited tables.
Pic: @gavroche2000
Steak in a bird bath
“I’ll have the steak, please.”
“And how would you like your steak?”
“On a concrete birdbath.”
SAID NO ONE. EVER.
Pic: @neilwillley
Peppercorn sauce catastrophe
Insubstantial slate guttering plus watery peppercorn sauce minus napkin dam equals catastrophe.
Pic: Chris Collins
Dinner on a fishtank
“Tonight’s special is the fish.”
“What sort of fish?”
“A gold one. And we’ll need it back.”
Pic: @DARRENR6
Mozzarella bap disaster
Mozzarella baps = milky residue on plank. Mini fryer in rare role as chip saviour, only one casualty.
Pic: @dcopem
A sheep died for this
Lamb chops and potatoes, in a glass, on a slate.
Pic: @ellabellalisa
Beans ‘on’ toast
This, according to No.1 Lounge at Garwick Airport, is beans on toast.
A difficult concept to grasp, despite the clue being in the name.
Pic: @HeatherP42
aka ‘Fish On A Plank’
Takes longer to read the menu than to eat the thing.
Pic: @RestGuide
Happy National Burger Day
*blank face*
Pic: @DaveyWound
Yorkshire salad on a slate
Artist’s palette wrap
“Chef, we’re struggling to find stuff to put in the holes in these art palettes.”
“Did table 12 leave any of their pasta?”
“YES CHEF!”
Pic: @nykkieb
DIY burger
“I’m sorry our chef hasn’t assembled your pulled pork burger, he’s very busy buying little metal buckets, roof slates and weird-shaped boards online.”
Pic: @Cuff76
Picnic table pandemic
So, a mini picnic table has made an appearance on the Great British Menu. Another one to throw on the fire with this lot.
Dirty protest
A dog’s dinner
Sausage, chips and… other stuff… at Varsity, Warwick.
Yes, that is a dog bowl.
Pic: @zoecarrington
Five for the price of one
My Meat Wagon in Dublin have really pushed the boat named Idiocy out here.
– Chopping boards ✅
– Mini shopping trolleys ✅
– Mess tins ✅
– Inexplicable wooden spoons ✅
– Mash in a ramekin ✅
Pic: @annemarieregan1
Rat trap and toaster
No idea what’s happening here
“Chef, I have to say that looks awful.”
“Hmm… how about we shove a sprig of rosemary in it?”
“YOU’RE A GENIUS!”
Pic: @marvelcharlotte
Sundae Bloody Sundae
Pulled pork, bacon, beans and mash in a sundae glass at The Common Room in Sheffield.
Pic: @is_it_dom
Double fault
It was only a matter of time before someone jumped on the Wimbledon bandwagon. In this case the Mercure Hotel in Bloomsbury.
Pic: @brokeinthesmoke
Spaghetti Bollocksnese
Spag bol in a glass at Folie Douce Valdi. Even mixing it prior to serving was just *too* much trouble.
Pic: @benhowell123
Mushy peas in a latte glass
Fish does not belong on a board.
Chips do not belong in a bucket.
Mushy peas certainly do not belong in a bloody latte glass.
Pic: @lenmce08
You call this dignity in death?
Plonked on a wooden board which is sat in a metal tray, wearing a samphire wig, with a lemony smile and a bucket of chips for company.
Pic: @Clifflirt
BBQ WTF?
Wooden board ✅
Mini fryer ✅
Purely ornamental mini BBQ meat display weirdness ✅
Pic: @GreenNGoldMatt
National Fish And Chip Day
A plea to restaurants on National Fish And Chip Day. Newspaper is perfect for a takeaway, but not a £15 meal. Please can we enjoy them on a plate – not in mini fryers, pans, woks or manky wooden boxes.
AND DON’T PUT MUSHY PEAS IN A LATTE GLASS.
Tiny Tabasco bottle on a slate
They clearly don’t trust adults with normal-sized bottles of Tabasco sauce.
And we won’t even ask about the chilli bun.
Pic: @carlfhoward
Decorators’ special
Egg and toast argument
Pasta in an axe
Fell off the back of a lorry
Chicken in a crate
Mayo in a watering can, piri piri in a medicine bottle, served in a herb tray. Drunk stencilling, too.
Pic: @TomBarratt
Yes, that is dinner in a sink
Dinner on an old hubcap
Yep, you read that right. That is food. That is a hubcap.
THAT IS FOOD ON A HUBCAP.
Pic: @plant_matter
My wife made lunch. Hilarious.
Nurse, my sides.
Picnic table idiocy
Joyful gasps at its arrival turn to shifty embarrassment by the second sandwich as you quickly realise all the other diners think you’re a shower of idiots.
Pic: @jellywonderhors
Weird sausage hanger
Scratched chopping board ✅
Inexplicable Mess Tin ✅
Manky enamel mug ✅
Weird sausage hanger ✅
I repeat: WEIRD SAUSAGE HANGER.
Pic: @SixFeetTen
Breakfast in a tin can
This miserable arrangement is what passes for a cooked breakfast nowadays: the sausage, mushrooms, beans and poached egg are just shoved in the tin can. A BARGAIN AT EIGHT QUID.
Pic: @paulhome_
All kinds of wrongness
Pork in a urinal
Picnic bench full English
A full English breakfast on a mini picnic bench. There are so many things wrong with this picture I don’t know where to start.
Pic: @opheliaknee
Burger on weighing scales
The scales are so ridiculous you almost don’t notice the chopping board and mug of chips.
Pic: @DaveyWound
How to ruin a full English
A full English breakfast. On a wooden board. With beans in a mug.
IS NOTHING SACRED?
Pic: @frolickingfood
Wheelbarrow of ketchup
Huge wooden board that’s never been in a dishwasher, mini wheelbarrow of ketchup and lettuce in a watering can.
LETTUCE ISN’T EVEN A LIQUID, FFS.
Pic: @ClairChapman
Gravy seepage klaxon
Modern chicken in a basket
Chicken in a basket. A basket which you know has been nowhere near a dishwasher, and never will.
ENJOY YOUR MEAL.
Pic: @Sherry_Trifle
Impending vinegar disaster
Disgusting tin-tray breakfast
We’ve stared at this ‘prison breakfast’ for ten minutes and can still only identify two things.
Pic: @jakeisdigital
Is the chef a nine-year-old?
Wheelie bin sauce
Chips in a shopping trolley and a mini wheelie bin for sauce. Mop and Shawshank Redemption tin bowl just out of shot.
Pic: @privacypeeks