“Excuse me waiter, I didn’t order a beer.”
“That’s gravy, sir.”
“It’s what?”
“Gravy.”
“In a can?”
“Yes.”
[looks round]
“Gravy?”
Pic: @Eamonn_Forde
Beer-can gravy Hipstergeddon
Wooden boards
Meat on a clipboard
The Hipster Holy Trinity
Oh how very generous
“All burgers are served on wooden boards so please request a plate if you would prefer one.”
If all burgers were served on plates, how many people would request a wooden board?
WE’LL GIVE YOU A CLUE: NONE.
Pic: @JerryDLeigh
It’s a pandemic!
They’re even at it on MasterChef in Chile.
Beep Beep Beep Beep
“I’ll have the asparagus tempura, please.”
*BEEP*
*BEEP*
*BEEP*
*BEEP*
“What’s that noise?”
*BEEP*
*BEEP*
*BEEP*
*BEEP*
“Oh, that’s the mini forklift truck preparing your mini pallet and mini shopping trolley.”
*BEEP*
*BEEP*
*BEEP*
*BEEP*
*BEEP*
*BEEP*
Pic: @ClemMurphy
Hipster Vegemite on toast
What you order: gourmet Vegemite on toast.
What you get: a chopping board, cold toast, a leaf stuck on some butter and a reminder to take your dog to the vet.
Pic: Huon Oliver
Pickles inside a Russian doll
We’re in the wrong job
‘Smashed Martini’ nonsense
CHEFS! Turn brownies into expensive brownies by simply serving them on a plank with a broken glass.
(Legal note: it’s actually plastic. SO THAT’S ALRIGHT…)
Pic: @pollianicus
Obligatory mini desk lamp
If only someone would invent a thing…
If only someone would invent a round, ceramic vessel with a lip to prevent custard spillage.
Pic: @stakgeorge
Tiny plate extension
When you ask for a plate instead of a board but the replacement plate is so tiny it’s useful only as an extension.
Pic: @RightSaidJames
“Any old iron? Any old iron?”
IRONING INSTRUCTIONS
Cotton: iron on high heat
Silk: iron on medium heat
Nylon: iron on low heat
Prawns: iron on manky board
Pic: @Zahn0
Second prize is two James Martin kits
Happy Valentine’s Day…
Plumbing new depths
Increasingly-familiar ‘bacon washing-line’ idiocy, plumbing new depths with salvage from a restaurant re-fit.
Pic: @h1dudley
Ice cream breaks for the border
When your dessert arrives on a plank while you’ve gone to the toilet and the ice cream makes a break for freedom.
Pic: @joe_petch
Would someone think of the trees?
“Waiter, I’m sure the menu said three sausages.”
“No, sir. It says tree sausages.”
Pic: @NeilShelley HT @roastbeef69
The bottom of the barrel
Food service can’t get any worse when you’re LITERALLY scraping the bottom of the barrel.
Pic: @ashley_lyons08
Please stop abusing skateboards
Call us cynical, but we don’t believe this skateboard will see the inside of a dishwasher.
Pic: @GabrielGTweets
Fish and chips on a Ferris wheel
THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WE REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Pic: Gareth Nelson
Hot chocolate infantilisation
“Just a hot chocolate please.”
“Ah! You’d like our famous Willy Wanka!”
“You mean ‘Wonka’?”
“No.”
Pic: @sleepypan
Avocado syringe
Watery mozzarella woe at Zizzi
TGI Fridays don’t know what plates are
Dear @TGIFridaysUK,
This is not “Heaven on a plate.” It’s average fast-food on a slate and board with a fake fryer.
Yours,
Everyone.
British Sandwich Week idiocy
During #BritishSandwichWeek be vigilant of chefs putting small portions in shabby chic boxes.
Pic: @squeejay
Health and safety nightmare
The chicken lacks something, chef.”
“Seasoning?”
“No.”
“Jus?”
“No.”
“Reproduction medieval sword?”
Pic: M Graham
Wheelie bin sauce
Chips in a shopping trolley and a mini wheelie bin for sauce. Mop and Shawshank Redemption tin bowl just out of shot.
Pic: @privacypeeks
Chicken fingers in a skull
Chicken fingers in a skull.
A seashell of beans.
Fittingly, it’s all literally scraping the bottom of the barrel.
Pic: @jonnybadclobber
The perils of a leaking crack
Cheese on half a skateboard
There’s nothing wrong with a wooden cheeseboard. Unless it’s a skateboard. Sawn in half.
Pic: @lynfelo
Please stop piping messages on boards
Putting tiny desserts on large boards and piping messages in the vast empty spaces is still a thing?
We’ve come so far in 350 years
Pic: @APB1966, HT @philbryer
Yes, that is an actual desk organiser
A well-organised kitchen is one thing, but this is ridiculous.
Taken at Stoke Mill, Norwich.
Pic: @MarieaHobbs83
Soup in a pan saves on washing up
Chefs: in future just bring us camping stoves, knock a few quid off and we’ll heat it up ourselves. Deal?
Pic: @seanddotmedotuk
A plank of Bloody Mary meatballs
Do you like meatballs? Do you like Bloody Marys? The Old George in Bethnal Green serves both. At the same time. On a plank.
Pic: @butters_one
Heart-shaped bum-paddle
Half a pint of black pudding
Half a pint of vegetarian black pudding on a plank. Three crimes for the price of one.
Pic: @mintymat
Sticky table inevitability
Chefs who serve pancakes and syrup on a board with no gutter have clearly never waited tables.
Pic: @gavroche2000
Greeks rue plate-smashing
Centuries of plate-smashing catches up with Greece as crockery shortage leads to tzatziki/board woe.
Pic: @kewgreen
“White, one sugar, no salad”
Sausages in a skull
Chefs: transform a plank of sausages into a more expensive plank of sausages by simply putting them in a goth’s ashtray.
Pic: @brightsparklej
Mozzarella bap disaster
Mozzarella baps = milky residue on plank. Mini fryer in rare role as chip saviour, only one casualty.
Pic: @dcopem
Nosebleed on a plank
Trifle or crime scene, you decide.
Pic: @coffeenone
Beans ‘on’ toast
This, according to No.1 Lounge at Garwick Airport, is beans on toast.
A difficult concept to grasp, despite the clue being in the name.
Pic: @HeatherP42
aka ‘Fish On A Plank’
Takes longer to read the menu than to eat the thing.
Pic: @RestGuide
DIY burger
“I’m sorry our chef hasn’t assembled your pulled pork burger, he’s very busy buying little metal buckets, roof slates and weird-shaped boards online.”
Pic: @Cuff76
Dirty protest
Five for the price of one
My Meat Wagon in Dublin have really pushed the boat named Idiocy out here.
– Chopping boards ✅
– Mini shopping trolleys ✅
– Mess tins ✅
– Inexplicable wooden spoons ✅
– Mash in a ramekin ✅
Pic: @annemarieregan1
Cake in a frying pan
Mushy peas in a latte glass
Fish does not belong on a board.
Chips do not belong in a bucket.
Mushy peas certainly do not belong in a bloody latte glass.
Pic: @lenmce08
You call this dignity in death?
Plonked on a wooden board which is sat in a metal tray, wearing a samphire wig, with a lemony smile and a bucket of chips for company.
Pic: @Clifflirt
BBQ WTF?
Wooden board ✅
Mini fryer ✅
Purely ornamental mini BBQ meat display weirdness ✅
Pic: @GreenNGoldMatt
Salsa donkey and nachos cart
When we posted this on Twitter last night, we completely misjudged the nation’s love for a plastic donkey with salsa caddies.
You can buy them online, but only for ironic purposes, obviously…
Pic: @NuniNunicorn
Fish hooks in your dinner
Skateboard cheeseboard
“New pub near me does a cheese board on a skateboard. And not a very impressive cheese board either!”
Pic: @Tannerlogue
Cake drawer buffoonery
Pudding in a pan irritation
Sticky toffee pudding woe
They’re invading our homes
Just some of your latest pics from Twitter of shops selling gastropub guff. Mason jars, mini shopping trolleys, bumpaddles, slates…
Egg and toast argument
A mug of doughnuts
Pasta in an axe
Fell off the back of a lorry
Chicken in a crate
Mayo in a watering can, piri piri in a medicine bottle, served in a herb tray. Drunk stencilling, too.
Pic: @TomBarratt
Hors d’oeuvres on tin cans
Scotch egg with severed artery
Scotch egg with extract of severed artery, on a scratched board.
*wags finger at The Fox in Twickenham*
Pic: @supeep
Hot wings with a toe tag
Custard bottle conundrum
How are you supposed to pour your bloody custard into this? Or do you take a swig with each mouthful of crumble?
Pic: @bowdren1
Weird sausage hanger
Scratched chopping board ✅
Inexplicable Mess Tin ✅
Manky enamel mug ✅
Weird sausage hanger ✅
I repeat: WEIRD SAUSAGE HANGER.
Pic: @SixFeetTen
Is that a cat activity centre?
Fake grass asparagus trick
Jamie Oliver’s mothership
A cornucopia of bumpaddles in Jamie Oliver’s bistro in St Albans.
IT’S THE END OF DAYS, PEOPLE.
Pic: @rooreynolds
How to ruin a full English
A full English breakfast. On a wooden board. With beans in a mug.
IS NOTHING SACRED?
Pic: @frolickingfood
Apple sauce in a wheelbarrow
The perfect snack for when you fancy pork scratchings covered in chilli, on a plank, with a mini wheelbarrow of apple sauce.
WHICH IS NEVER.
Pic: @FreakyZoid
Wheelbarrow of ketchup
Huge wooden board that’s never been in a dishwasher, mini wheelbarrow of ketchup and lettuce in a watering can.
LETTUCE ISN’T EVEN A LIQUID, FFS.
Pic: @ClairChapman
Bread on an executioner’s block
Curly pork ice cream holder
Pulled pork and coleslaw. In an ice cream cone. In a curly cone holder. On a wooden board.
*loads revolver*
Pic: @jo_blogs
Tin cans on a log
Rice and spinach in tin cans with steamed veg on a log. Even the cauliflower looks embarrassed.
Pic: @Warpdog
Meat on a washing line
Lonely cracking on a log
Bread in a log
Camembert in a mousetrap
Longest food smear… EVER!
“Fetch the longest plank of wood you can find, we’re taking arty food smears to a new level.”
“Yes chef!”
Pic: @MorganLeahy