VACANCY
Waiter required to carry burgers on Rolled Steel Joists.
£8 per hour.
No sick leave for back problems.
Pic: Jon Russell
RSI from an RSJ
Worst of We Want Plates
Behold the Lego breadbasket
“Would you like some bread while you wait?”
*bread arrives*
“I’M FORTY-EIGHT YEARS OLD.”
Pic: @megoizzy
Soup served in a stiletto
“What’s the soup of the day?
“Cream of wild mushroom, with a hint of insole and corn plaster.”
Pic: @simonraess
Meat on a clipboard
Goldfish in a liquidiser
“Here’s your prawn lollipop. Feel free to feed the fish but please don’t turn the liquidiser on.”
Pic: @johnnyhc
All the waiters are off with bad backs
Amuse-bouche on a cactus
“Your amuse-bouche. Sign here.”
“Is that a real cactus that’s it’s served on?”
“It is a real cactus. Sign here.”
“On a real cactus.”
“Sign the disclaimer form, sir.”
Pic: Tom Staroscinski
Barbie Meat Dress
“Your beef, Sir.”
“Erm… is this a traditional serving method particular to the region?”
“No. Our chef just really likes Lady Gaga.”
Pic: Ged Richter
‘TWANG!’
“Your tuna starter, sir.”
[lunges at cube, catapults tuna into coat rack, impales eye on spike]
Pic: Miley Dahmer
Next stop, landfill
“Our environmentally-friendly tempura is made with sustainable seafood and vegetables, harvested in ways that consider the long-term well-being of our precious land and oceans.”
“Wonderful! How’s it served?”
“On a large polystyrene block.”
Pic: @HynesLin
Bread in a commode
“Table for two, please.”
“Table for three? Certainly.”
“No, there’s only two of us.”
“One chair’s for the bread.”
Pic: @alexbean
DIY salad
Your salad arrives on a plate.
But it’s also in a plant pot.
With a pair of secateurs.
And you cut it yourself.
Pic: @jenvmcclure
Boiled egg plumbing new depths
“Would you like your egg boiled, poached or scrambled?”
“Boiled and balanced on a 15mm isolating ball valve, please.”
Pic: @lucyfishwife
Newton’s cradle dessert
Marshmallow: 12p. Fruit: 15p. Newton’s cradle with weird kebab things: 90p.
MENU PRICE: EIGHT POUNDS.
Pic: @john_shepherd
Train driver’s breakfast on a shovel
“Ahhh, but this one is OK because steam train drivers used to eat their breakfast off a shovel, cooked in the firebox.”
“I’M NOT A STEAM TRAIN DRIVER, I’M IN A PUB IN THE ISLE OF MAN.”
Pic: @JayMeW
“Any old iron? Any old iron?”
IRONING INSTRUCTIONS
Cotton: iron on high heat
Silk: iron on medium heat
Nylon: iron on low heat
Prawns: iron on manky board
Pic: @Zahn0
Hello, what’s your emergency?
*dials 999*
“Hello, what’s your emergency?”
“I ordered a sandwich and it’s been served in a phone box.”
Pic: @vinayaravind
Sausage in a wine glass
“What wine do you recommend?”
“The 2004 Argentinian Chardonnay is bursting with flavour.”
“What flavour?”
“Sausages.”
Pic: @__FerSantos
The chutney cupboard
Chicken tikka staircase and chutney cupboard at the Tourist Janpath Hotel, New Delhi.
A CHUTNEY CUPBOARD.
Pic: @philipotts
Dessert on a sanitary towel
Scotch egg in a trophy
It may be the “World’s Best Scotch Egg”, but it’s also the world’s trickiest to eat.
Pic: @JasonHazeley
When fruit in a bowl just won’t do
“Chef, we can’t keep charging people so much for some bits of fruit in a bowl.”
“FETCH THE MUG TREE AND A DRILL.”
Pic: Aunty Marianne
Life Of Pi, of course
Pic: Jayne Brown
Duvet think we’re idiots?
“…and for dessert we have apple pie, cheesecake or the chef’s ‘Shit The Bed’ special.”
Pic: @BlueHeronFarmTX
Leaving a bad taste in the mouth
This? Oh, it’s just an orthodontic mould of the restaurant-owner’s mouth from Barcelona.
Pic: @chris_mandle
Brexit has merits after all
Nonsense on a box of grass
Large slice of tree 
Butcher’s-window grass
Upside-down drawer tidy
Pic: Dawn Staples
Howzat? Bloody awful!
A hollowed-out cricket bat, handy for dispatching the food straight back to the kitchen.
Pic: @SarahASculpher
Candyfloss on a horse’s head
That moment when everyone else gets plates and your dessert arrives on a porcelain horse head.
Pic: elder3817
Fish and chips on a Ferris wheel
THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WE REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Pic: Gareth Nelson
Things could get messy…
Ridiculous fish ‘n’ chips
Chips in a shopping basket – CHECK.
Fish on rocks – CHECK.
Plastic seaweed – CHECK.
Fake fish-market crate – CHECK.
Mini table – CHECK.
Pic: D Ryan
Watership Down prawn nightmare
We call this ‘Lazy Bastard Sardines’
VW camper van with surfboard tapas
“Our chef is trying something new with the tapas tonight.”
*makes drinky-drink motion*
Pic: @Beetrootrabbit
Vegetable tempura in a shoe
“Chef, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have arrived, they’ve ordered the tempura shoe to share.”
Pic: @eeketht
Sausage tree klaxon
Health and safety nightmare
The chicken lacks something, chef.”
“Seasoning?”
“No.”
“Jus?”
“No.”
“Reproduction medieval sword?”
Pic: M Graham
Fish on a stick in a rock on a mirror
“Today’s specials include fish on a stick in a rock on a mirror.”
“Literally?”
“Literally.”
Pic: @Sinead_aka_Nade
Wheelie bin sauce
Chips in a shopping trolley and a mini wheelie bin for sauce. Mop and Shawshank Redemption tin bowl just out of shot.
Pic: @privacypeeks
Coleslaw in a shopping trolley
Wasabi spongecake on a tree
Wasabi spongecake with a ‘wow’ factor. As in: “Wow, some tool has served my dessert on a tree.”
Pic: @MirjamvD
Shepherd’s Pie in a glass
You can’t go wrong with a classic Shepherd’s Pie. Unless you’re the Old George Inn, South Cerney.
Pic: @headcovers
A table for tree
“Hi. We’ve booked a table for three.”
“Tree?”
“No, three.”
“Would a table for tree be a problem?”
Pic: @Wkhanye_
Plumbing new depths
Because why wouldn’t you want onion rings hanging on salvage from the restaurant’s bathroom refit?
Pic: @FSekeleni
Cheese on half a skateboard
There’s nothing wrong with a wooden cheeseboard. Unless it’s a skateboard. Sawn in half.
Pic: @lynfelo
Happy Thanksgiving, American types
Breakfast in a sink. With some flags. And a firework. Happy Thanksgiving!
People are still putting food in shoes
Yes, that is an actual desk organiser
A well-organised kitchen is one thing, but this is ridiculous.
Taken at Stoke Mill, Norwich.
Pic: @MarieaHobbs83
Well-washed fish dish
When is a plate not a plate?
Tonka truck twattery
Beware: infantilisation of bar food carries a Hipster Tax of around 18%.
Pic: Patrice Callahan via @RBRosenberger
A plank of Bloody Mary meatballs
Do you like meatballs? Do you like Bloody Marys? The Old George in Bethnal Green serves both. At the same time. On a plank.
Pic: @butters_one
Dinner with The Flintstones
Pâté on a shoulder bone. Very, very wrong, unless you’re round at Flintstones’ gaff.
Pic: @TomAllen1000
Chips in a tree
“Can we have some chips and dips to start, please?”
“Of course. I’ll get the chainsaw.”
Pic: @RachaelHasIdeas
Remember the wheelie bin code
Steak in a bird bath
“I’ll have the steak, please.”
“And how would you like your steak?”
“On a concrete birdbath.”
SAID NO ONE. EVER.
Pic: @neilwillley
Peppercorn sauce catastrophe
Insubstantial slate guttering plus watery peppercorn sauce minus napkin dam equals catastrophe.
Pic: Chris Collins
Squid in a clog
Dinner on a fishtank
“Tonight’s special is the fish.”
“What sort of fish?”
“A gold one. And we’ll need it back.”
Pic: @DARRENR6
Sausages in a skull
Chefs: transform a plank of sausages into a more expensive plank of sausages by simply putting them in a goth’s ashtray.
Pic: @brightsparklej
The Botanist has a hissy fit
After being blocked on Twitter by The Botanist in Newcastle, we’d like to show them there’s no hard feelings via a montage of their chutney wheelbarrows.
(NB: Also used for ketchup, apple sauce and piccalilli. Includes 10% Hipster Tax).
Happy National Burger Day
*blank face*
Pic: @DaveyWound
Barking mad
“Remember the time we had dinner served on pieces of bark? Wasn’t it AMAZING?”
“No.”
Pic: @aboynamedgootoo
Upside-down umbrella
Artist’s palette wrap
“Chef, we’re struggling to find stuff to put in the holes in these art palettes.”
“Did table 12 leave any of their pasta?”
“YES CHEF!”
Pic: @nykkieb
The cheese cupboard
“Can we have the cheeseboard for dessert, please?”
“Ah. You mean the cheese cupboard.”
“No, the cheeseboard.”
“CHEESE CUPBOARD.”
Pic: Laura Geary
Picnic table pandemic
So, a mini picnic table has made an appearance on the Great British Menu. Another one to throw on the fire with this lot.
A dog’s dinner
Sausage, chips and… other stuff… at Varsity, Warwick.
Yes, that is a dog bowl.
Pic: @zoecarrington
Rat trap and toaster
A Greek tragedy
Fiddly starter on a lava rock in Santorini, should you want to go on holiday elsewhere.
Pic: @lesleyrdunlop
Double fault
It was only a matter of time before someone jumped on the Wimbledon bandwagon. In this case the Mercure Hotel in Bloomsbury.
Pic: @brokeinthesmoke
Spaghetti Bollocksnese
Spag bol in a glass at Folie Douce Valdi. Even mixing it prior to serving was just *too* much trouble.
Pic: @benhowell123
Raspberries on a rock
“Here’s your bill, Madam. It’s underneath the lump of rock with two raspberries perched on top.”
Pic: @ruthreed01
Goldfish under a prawn cocktail
File under WTF.
We regularly get tweeted pics of prawn cocktails in glasses. Most people think this is fine. This one, however, is not…
Pic: @millyandpip
Fiddly little starters on skulls
Gin in a Converse shoe
Nightmares on wax
Cake drawer buffoonery
Beef on barbed wire lunacy
This? Ohhh… just some miniature beef Wellingtons on a roll of barbed wire.
COMES WITH FREE TETANUS SHOT.
Pic: @AstridsTaste
“Go home Chef, you’re drunk.”
Pic: @simonr916
Pasta in an axe
Yes, that is dinner in a sink
Dinner on an old hubcap
Yep, you read that right. That is food. That is a hubcap.
THAT IS FOOD ON A HUBCAP.
Pic: @plant_matter
Is that a cat activity centre?
Cut your own salad
“Sorry Madam, the chef can’t be arsed to plate up your salad so here’s a pot of dirt and some secateurs.”
Pic: @LJ_Skipper
All kinds of wrongness
Wine in a welly
Pork in a urinal
Pud on a shovel – dig in!
Malva pudding, ice cream and custard. Lovingly served on a stainless steel shovel.
Pic: @tintinomalley
Burger on weighing scales
The scales are so ridiculous you almost don’t notice the chopping board and mug of chips.
Pic: @DaveyWound
Fish on a huge rock
Lick it off your own hand
The Treby Arms’ cheese foam with truffle shavings, licked off the back of your hand.
You’re welcome.
Pic: @ILoveGrimsby
Bread in a flat cap
Croquettes in a shoe
This is an actual thing in Las Vegas. What happens in Vegas, REALLY should stay in Vegas.
Pic: @Aerohaveno
Starters on a table tennis bat
Starter on a brick
“Here’s your starter on a house brick, Sir.”
*scrapes starter off brick, launches brick into kitchen*
Pic: @matthewcorbett
Popcorn in a clog
“Can I interest you in some popcorn in a wooden clog? At Aquitaine in San Francisco.”
Pic: @lucchesi
Soup in a stiletto
Meat on a washing line
Dessert thrown on the table
TOP TIP: Avoid washing up by simply covering the table with plastic and throwing dessert on it.
Pic: @figsteruk1
Camembert in a mousetrap
